With Jasper, Every Day is Neurotic Moodswing Day!

Dear Diary,

Insulted the South today. Jasper's officially giving me Dirty Looks and mood swings. I think he's just bitter that the South lost the war. My life sucks and I want to die. STOP IT JASPER.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

Jasper is a communist. A jealous, turtle-loving, bear-hating communist.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

I want to crawl into a hole. Rosalie says my new pants are way too tight for my butt.

I can't stop listening to Linkin Park and Fall Out Boy. And goddammit, do I want to peel some oranges.

I hate you, Jasper. ;(

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

CRAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIN! THESE ORANGES WILL NOT PEEEEEALLL!

PEEEEEEEERING THROUGH A WAAAAAAALLL! BOOZING WITH AN EEL!

Love and cookies,

-Emmett

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The Woes of Emmett

Dear Diary,

Discovered Gummi Bears today. Was disappointed that I couldn't eat them.

...Ate them anyway.

Need to go hock up Gummi Bears. And possibly make out with Rosalie.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

Why don't I have superpowers? :( I'm cool. Esme says I'm cool. Rosalie says if she knew I would whine this much she would have just let me die. :( :( HOW MEAN.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

Discovered my superpower. Unlimited awesome. Best superpower EVER.

I want to be a hip-hop singer.

-Emmett

The Chair-Kicking Wars

Dear Diary,

Edward kicked Jasper's chair at school today. This has started a chair-kicking war. I got Jasper in English Lit and Edward got me in between classes. I was on a bench.

Alice is winning, because she can see when someone is going to chair-kick her and can avoid it. I think this is cheating. Edward is not convinced.

Edward sucks.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

Chair-kicking war has evolved into a chair-flipping war. I sent Edward through a window today.

Esme is not happy. And Alice keeps smirking at me. This is not a good sign.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

Chair-flipping war has evolved into a chair-launching war. Rosalie and Jasper got me while I was doing homework. Landed a good mile from the house. Took out another window.

Esme is not happy. Esme is so Not Happy that Carlisle had to speak in a British accent for the entire day to appease her.

Gotta go fix the windows.

-Emmett

The New Girl at Forks, Episode Two: Edward Strikes Back

Dear Diary,

Today I went hunting with Edward to distract him from the new girl. Edward sucks. I rule. He says he only likes hunting mountain lions. It's a lie, he can't catch a lion. I'm a mountain lion of man.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

The chocolate bikini melted today. :( Someone moved it into the sunlight. :( :( I think it was Edward.

Edward likes the new girl at school. He'd like her better if she was doused in A1 sauce. A1 sauce + new girl = HAPPY EDWARD. :)

-Emmett

The New Girl at Forks, Part One

Dear Diary,

New chick at school today. Wanna hunt bears. I love bears.

-Emmett

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Dear Diary,

Rosalie doesn't like the new girl. Rosalie doesn't like anybody.

I like bears.

Bought Rosalie a chocolate bikini to calm her down. She says it'll melt if she puts it on. I think she's lying.

I still like bears.

-Emmett